Stuttering and Breaking Through Blocking

Transcript

Maya Chupkov:

Um, so blocking, like, what do you what I guess cause what what kind of.

So you are probably wondering what you just heard. Maybe you thought it was a mistake, something I accidentally did in the editing process. Well, you're wrong, because I started this episode with this clip on purpose for several reasons. The first one is I wanted to be transparent about how I sound sometimes on these episodes. Being a podcaster who stutters, who also edits my own show and my own stuttering is a delicate dance.

Sometimes I am more fluent in some episodes than in others. This episode, I felt like sharing a moment where I really got stuck and couldn't quite get my words out at all. And you might not even have thought that that was stuttering, because it doesn't really sound like the typical type of stuttering we might hear in a TV show or maybe a movie. And how I approach editing these episodes, I usually leave my stutter in, but sometimes I edit based on how I'm feeling that day.

Like, if I'm a little more impatient that day, I might not leave in as many pauses. But I always try to, of course, make the episodes as authentic as possible. And I'm very trusting of my intuition when it comes to making these choices. And, yeah, I just wanted to share that with you all as a way to kind of pull back the curtain a little bit behind Proud Stutter. All right, so now that I've gotten that off my chest, it's time to get to my interview with Blaise Ventura, a 20 year old person who stutters.

I’m Maya Chupkov and I'm a woman who stutters. Welcome to Proud Stutter, a show about stuttering and embracing verbal diversity in an effort to change how we talk about it one conversation at a time.

Welcome back to Proud Stutter. Today I am so excited to be speaking with Blaise Ventura. He is a 20 year old person who stutters. He's about to make a huge transition. He's moving to Colorado to go to college at Colorado State. Welcome, Blaze, to the podcast.

Blaise Ventura:

Yeah, thank you for having me.

Maya:

So, Blaze, you emailed me a few months ago, and I was just so excited that such a young person reached out and wanted to be on the show. I was wondering, can you tell our listeners why you decided to reach out?

Blaise:

I kind of approached you because I saw your podcast. I saw a couple of others, but I liked yours the best. And then I felt I tried to find one on blocking specifically because it's different for me because I don't repeat as much as other people do. So I'm more blocking. And so I was trying to understand more about my blocking. So that's why I felt open to reaching out.

Maya:

Yeah, and I'm so glad because you're so right that we don't really have an episode that talks a lot about blocking. And I'm sure we'll get into other topics too. But yeah, I really do want to talk about blocking and that unique experience. But before we get there, I was wondering if you can just talk a little bit about growing up with a stutter and what that was like for.

Blaise:

You as a kid. And growing up, I didn't know what it was and understand it and I didn't want to be that different from everyone else. So like in high school, I started to a little bit kind of just I started to understand it more. Not till about 10th grade, so I was what, like 15? I started to kind of more understand how it's kind of stuck with me and I just have to do my best to practice and get my breathing down correctly around then.

I loved meeting new people, but stuttering, it doesn't really allow that. Around then. I just kind of put stuttering on the side. If it happens, I won't stop maybe from meeting new people. And if someone asks, I'm open to telling them what it is.

Maya:

I totally relate to that. When I was growing up, one of the ways that I would get away from the pain is I would just pretend that the stuttering didn't affect me. It would come up, but I would just laugh it off or I would figure it out. I just was so good at just not having it be a part of me for so long, even though it was a part of me that whole time. I am very much connecting with you right now on all that. Can you talk about your feelings around your stutter? Like, how do you view your stutter?

Blaise:

Yeah, I used to think about stunt about it as not part of me. Like like think of like I used to think about it as as like it like thinking about it as the bad guy in in a way and just kind of thought about it's there. But I'll have to get over it and get by it for me to move on in conversations in life. And I don't think I know the term accepting your stutter. Maybe my speech therapist has told me I haven't stepped yet. I need to accept it.

I never really understood that and I don't know if I will or not. But yeah, it's a part of myself. But also I don't want to make it my whole life, my whole personality. So I try to not think about as the bad guy, as someone I need to beat. And that's been a better mindset to me than just accepting it. I feel like if you accept it, then you're not going to try as hard.

Maya:

I'm trying to think back when I was your age because you're to 20, right?

Blaise:

Right.

Maya:

So when I was 20, I remember that was like kind of the peak of my dating life. And I just remember it being really hard, especially this one experience comes to mind where I'm dating, and it's like the first time I meet someone, I can be completely fluent. And then the next time I stutter. And they're like, wait, what's going on? Why are you having so much trouble communicating? So I'm wondering, what has dating with blocking been like for you?

Blaise:

Definitely difficult. Saying my name is the hardest part. I'll always block on it. So going up and introducing myself to a girl or even trying to make new friends, but so I try to like so I have been so trying to like, if I if I were to go on a date, if I were to ask somebody out, I'm more comfortable doing it over the phone, over a text message, but other than in person. Because even if I already know the girl and I'll say, if you want to go out, I'll get too excited and might block on that.

But dating dates itself and dating I will block, but then they either won't really notice or I won't say anything the first couple like, I won't say anything the first couple of dates. So then they'll kind of be like, ask if I'm blocking. They ask me like they'll ask me if I don't remember what I was going to say. And so that comes up a lot. Do you forget? Do you remember? And it does bother me, but also I've kind of pushed past it. And if I'm with that girl, with that person for long enough, then I'll explain why I've been doing that.

But besides that, no one I've been with really questioned it. Besides if I don't remember what I was going to say or not.

Maya:

Have you ever thought of introducing yourself as a person who stutters or you're? Not at that point yet.

Blaise:

I have done it. I did it for my one class last semester, my college class. You had to make a PowerPoint by yourself. It was like three strengths and three flaws. And so I put stuttering, and that was the first PowerPoint. Anyway, so I put stuttering. And when I did that, I can tell everyone had that kind of like fake nice to me. And it didn't really feel good, especially I don't know if it was because I did it in front of a big class that I thought it'd be easier, but it wasn't easier than if I wouldn't have said anything.

Maya:

Did anyone or did your teacher approach you after or ask about it?

Blaise:

Yeah, my one teacher, he just kind of said how he used to stutter, but it wasn't as bad and just kind of like the and said it's okay. I don't know, just the basics. Yeah, people tell me all the time that they used to stutter, but it went away. And I'm like, that's not really. Then you didn't stutter.

Maya:

Did you put your stutter under the positive?

Blaise:

No, the negatives. Negatives, negatives. Yeah.

Maya:

Because I'm wondering I bet it would have been a very interesting experiment if you had. Now that you say it under the positives.

Blaise:

Now that you say that, it would have been like a shocker because just.

Maya:

Thinking about my experience in college, just the fact that you put it on a slide when I was 20, I wouldn't even think twice. I wouldn't even think to put stuttering on anything because I feel like I resonate with you so much and that I always felt like stuttering was not something I wanted to draw attention towards because I'm human just like everyone else, and I'm just going to keep pushing through because what else is there, right? I'm not just going to stop talking.

Blaise:

Yeah, really the only reason I did put that on there was because my speech service at the time, she said, try to introduce yourself as a person stutters. So I felt like that was a pretty good opportunity for me to do that and see how it went. But maybe moving forward, maybe I might do it again moving forward, but that specific experience didn't blame benefit at all. It just kind of made people pretend to be nice or pretend to understand. Yeah, it's kind of a surface level, like, oh, I had this thing too, and I can relate, but blah, blah, blah. But really you're like, that's not really. The point of that was and speaking.

Maya:

Of school, did you ever encounter anyone in your life in school who also had a stutter?

Blaise:

There's some people in my classes. I met two people I knew who that stuttered but never had the chance to have a conversation about it. But the people I did meet, all they had was stuttering word. They kept going over and over the same syllable or the same word. And so I always felt like even in this stuttering community, I never met anyone who just blocked. In a way, I kind of felt even more left out because even when I told even my teachers or someone they understood stuttering, but then they didn't know that blocking was included.

Maya:

Yeah, that's a good point.

I feel like people only view stuttering one way when in fact there's so many different types of stuttering and blocking is definitely one of them. And then there's also cluttering. Cluttering is kind of like it's not quite like blocking, but it's also interesting because it's almost like you're dancing around your stutter.

Blaise:

Yeah.

Maya:

So I'm not sure if cluttering if you felt that you experienced some of that too, or would you consider you more in the blocking world?

Blaise:

I think I used to be because when we first realized I was stuttering, I think those couple of years it was stuttering and repeating the syllables over and over. But then as growing older, I'll be fluent, but then I'll block.

Maya:

Before we recorded, you mentioned that anxiety and blocking were very connected in how you kind of think about your stutter can you talk more about that?

Blaise:

But think of blocking. My anxiety is stronger than how much I'll think I'll block. So my anxiety will stop me from approaching people. So it's so much work harder, because even if I know it'll be easy, if I want to go get some food, ordering food, I have the anxiety saying, I'll mess up, I'll mess up. But in reality, I'll say it'll be perfectly fine, perfectly fluent. So my anxiety is maybe a little bit stronger than my blocking itself.

And so that's been really tough. Have you experienced anything like that?

Maya:

Yeah, I've had anxiety my whole life and I feel like there's definitely a correlation between anxiety and stuttering. And I think a lot of that comes from all the trauma we've experienced as the people who stutter. Because our whole lives we've been interacting with people who are judging us and thinking we're a certain way because of the way we speak. And over time, that starts to build up and it can really impact your self esteem and your confidence. Can you relate to that type of anxiety?

Blaise:

I have a fear of being left out, like fear of missing out. So then I'll have that anxiety of if I don't go up and approach that person or put myself out there, then I'll miss out. But then there's also another anxiety where being excited to approach, be excited to approach. Or if I'm going to an event, so so there's a little bit of both, a little bit of me. Yeah, I'll be okay with blockings because I want to go and do this thing.

And then there will be Zodiac, where the other part of it, or if I don't do it, then I won't know if anything will happen.

Maya:

No, I've never heard someone articulate that. The way you just did. And that is so insightful, honestly, because I never thought of it like that.

Blaise:

Because I'm reading a lot of books on on, like like how to not making friends, but, like, getting my behavior into changing my thought patterns. And just, like, I don't really know how to explain this, but books on how to on how to make friends, how to do different approaches and how to get what you're looking for back. I think that's why I've changed my way of thinking.

Maya:

And part of this mind shift that you're talking about and changing your way of thinking is because you've been in CBT, right, which stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. How has that been going and what is it?

Blaise:

And so what that is doing is changing my thought pattern and getting rid of that anxiety of I think speech therapist is telling you how to change the way you talk. And I didn't really like that. Well, that's what my experience was. So now I'm seeing conduct behavioral therapy and it's just trying to change the way you think about it.

Maya:

Yeah, I've been hearing more and more about that as a way to help?

Yeah, I've been doing it for about a month and a half. I've went up to strangers and introduced myself about maybe like ten times, which is big. Before that, past two, couple of years, I didn't really put myself out there.

As much as people who stutter. We all deal with it in different ways, and there's steps to accepting and maybe being more comfortable with your stutter. And so I think you definitely took a step by reaching out to me and wanting to be on a podcast, because we all know once you're on a podcast, you're there. Someone can just Google you, right. And listen. Now I feel like you're in this new part of your stuttering journey. And so where do you see your stuttering journey taking you? Let's say, like, five years from now?

Blaise:

I don't really see myself doing more with other people or like an organization. I just kind of want to help myself and then someone, like someone comes along the way and then ask me for help, then ask you for opinions, then I would love to help them. But for myself, I don't know if I see myself being part of being part of an organization.

Maya:

Yeah, I think what's really missing in a lot of the stuttering conversations is like, this conversation we're having, not everyone who wants to talk about their stutters at the same place. And so I think a lot of people who might be in a very similar situation as you of someone who's on a self improvement journey. Not everyone has to be officially part of the stuttering community to still tell their story.

There was something pulling you to want to be on this podcast, but it's like there's also people that just want to live their life and just not have stuttering be like, their whole identity.

Blaise:

That's what the whole accepting your stutter to think term. It's like making it your whole identity. It's like, no, I don't want that. And I'm sure there's other people who don't want that.

Maya:

Yeah. When I was younger, I didn't want to go anywhere near the stirring community. So I think a lot of people will relate it to this conversation. Blaise, thank you so much for being here. Can you tell our listeners where they can find you?

Blaise:

Yeah, my Instagram it's bventura8.

Maya:

Awesome. Thank you so much again, Blaze.

And that's it for this episode of Proud Stutter. This episode of Proud Stutter was produced and edited by me, Maya Chupkov. Our music was composed by Augusto Denise and our artwork by Mara Ezekiel and Noah Chupkov. If you have an idea or want to be part of a future episode, visit us at www.proudstudter.com. And if you like the show, you can leave us a review. Wherever you are listening to this podcast want to leave us a voicemail? Check out our show notes for the number to call in more importantly, tell your friends to listen to until we meet again.

Thanks for listening. Be proud and be you.