Finding Self Worth With A College Freshman Who Stutters

Transcript

Lorenzo Becerra:

I wanted t  I'm super excited about the future. Like I'm, I'm happy that I stutter because it has, you know, given me a purpose. It's given me a passion. And I see, you know, myself, you know, becoming a speech, you know, therapist, a speech, you know, pathologist, and, you know, I talked to my, my friends, my family, and, you know, I say like, I'm going to be so happy, you know, when I'm old, you know, and, you know, like I'm going to, and, you know, like I say that, you know, when you're old is when you are the most, you know, happy, but they all, you know, look at me crazy. But me, I have a vision in my head where I am a speech therapist. I am helping others. I am getting, you know, uh, getting, uh, um, uh, I'm, I am getting, uh, you know, uh, you know, fulfilled.

Maya Chupkov:

I'm Maya Chupkov and I'm a woman who stutters. Welcome to Proud Stutter, a show about stuttering and embracing verbal diversity in an effort to change how we talk about it, one conversation at a time. Welcome back to Proud Stutter. I'm your host Maya Chupkov. Before we get into today's episode, I just have a quick announcement. I am so excited. Proudstetter is going to be doing a in person comic book reading at Octavia's Bookshelf in Pasadena, California. That's in the L. A. area, so if you're in the L. A. area, definitely come by. It's not too late to RSVP. That event starts at 6 p. m. this Monday the 12th, and if you can't make it at 6 p. m., we will be having an after party at the 1881, which is just a few minutes walk from the venue.

Alright, so let's get into today's episode. This one is very unique. Lorenzo, who you heard at the beginning of the episode, is someone who reached out to me wanting to talk about stuttering. He is such an amazing human being. He's a freshman in college, although the way he talks about himself and his stutter, I'm just like, how are you a freshman in college? It's It's really a fantastic conversation and I'm so excited to have it on the Proud Stutter feed. And without further ado, here's my conversation with Lorenzo.

Lorenzo:

I watched, you know, one of your videos and you said that you were, you know, like an extroverted kid, you know, with the stutter. And I, I could, you know, relate to that, you know, so much because, you know, like I am a kid who was very extroverted, but, you know, like I have a stutter, so, you know, there's a part of me that You know, that, you know, wants to go to this party that, you know, wants to go, you know, meet some friends, but I have the stutter. What, what was your, you know, like experiences, I guess, because, you know, like it could be, you know, so hard, uh, you know, sometimes, you know, if, you know, you are a kid that, you know, wants to talk, but, you know, you feel like you can't

Maya:

There were a lot of social situations where I held back a lot and. You know, like there, there'd be some something I wanted to contribute in a conversation so bad, but I kind of just let other people talk over me because I didn't want to like, you know, maybe try to make a joke and stutter and then everyone would look at me and it'd be really awkward.

So, um, I feel like it was mostly just me, like. Yes. Like I would be in a lot of social situations, but I wouldn't be able to be like my full self. Is that how. It was for you.

Lorenzo:

Yeah. Um, yeah, and I, I hate that feeling where I cannot be myself. Like I need to express myself. And it's so hard when, you know, like you have a stutter.

And now that it's my, you know, first year in college, I am, you know, I am, you know, finally, you know, taking, you know, the conscious steps of stepping out, of stepping out of my comfort zone. You know, um, and you know, like I feel like, you know, like a lot of times as like a person who stutters, we view, you know, these, you know, conversations with people as either, you know, good or bad only, but it's not it's either good or you learn.

And, you know, like, I feel like, you know, that, and, you know, like, I feel like, you know, like a lot of the, you know, bad, you know, bad, uh, you know, experiences that like I've had with speaking with people, if they judge me or something, that's when. I, you know, learn the most and that's when I get most, you know, de, you know, sensitized from their views about me.

And so now I'm just in the process of stepping out of my comfort zone and I just, I want to ask if there were times where you had to step out of your comfort zone.

Maya:

What really helped like desensitize myself to, um, a lot of these You know, a lot of my fears of. Going into new situations that I wasn't comfortable is my parents would send me to camp a lot. And like, it wasn't the same camp. So they'd send me to like one camp, one summer, one camp, another summer. So each time I felt like I was just plopped into like a new state or a new social environment and had to kind of like. Meet new people and like fit in. Right. And so I feel like as scary as that was in every time I would just be so afraid, but I kind of was just like, okay, like this is, I guess what I have to do.

And even though it's uncomfortable, I kind of have to like, see how it goes. And so that really helped me adapt a lot. And it really pushed me in a way where when I would enter other situations in the future, it was just, it was easier to kind of. And, um, I think all those times that my parents sent me to a different, you know, to different camp, it really, in hindsight made me realize like, wow, that was really hard.

And I. I pushed through like I kind of just made it work some way.

Lorenzo:

Yeah, right. Yeah. And, you know, also, you know, there are times where, you know, like, I feel like I need to hide my stutter, like if it's with friends and family, and it's such a horrible feeling. And like, um, you know, like, I feel like it is, you know, very important to, you know, step out of your comfort zone.

Maya:

And what other things has has helped you kind of navigate your stutter?

Lorenzo:

What has helped me is Having a, you know, like a support, uh, you know, system if it's my family or friends or whatever. And I just spoke with my friend who stutters, his name is, uh, Thomas. And he was saying that when he was a kid, he still has a stutter, but his, his parents and his family weren't very, you know, weren't very, you know, supportive of his stutter. And I'm just like, wow, like. You know, and you know that that can, you know, I have an effect on on on the person. And, you know, like I feel like that is that probably stems from the parents maybe not knowing, you know, too much about the stutter, you know, maybe, is there any. Any principles or certain views that help you, you know, now, you know, with your stutter?

Maya:

Yeah. Um, how I look at my stuttering journey is like before and after and before, like when anyone ever approached me, Or be like, Oh, like, you know, I just noticed you stutter like blah, blah, blah, I'd be like, No, like, that's not me. Like, what are you talking about? And it would just be so yeah, like, I just had this deep sense of embarrassment and shame that I would like guilt people into like, being like, No, like, what are you talking about?

And then this after period where I'm I didn't realize but I just like I always felt misunderstood and I didn't understand why until I started opening up about my stutter because it's just like we invent these ways of hiding our stutter right and it. It becomes so embedded in like who you are and how you come across that it's hard to like, unstitch those things and really get out to who you really are without all those inventions.

And so I think through the process of podcasting and talking to other people and all these layers of like, Oh, I relate with that or I hadn't thought of it that way. It's really. help me unstitch a lot of those things and really try to find like who I really am, um, apart from my stutter and also with my stutter because my, my identity, it's not all stuttering. Like I have other identities too. And so who is Maya at the core and also like who is Maya With the stutter and all these other things. Right.

Lorenzo:

Yeah. And, and, you know, and, you know, and, you know, it helps, it helps for me to, as a person who stutters, like I spent some time alone and I was in such a deep state of, you know, reflection of thinking, okay, who am I? And once I started to be my true, you know, like authentic self, I guess that has helped me with my stutter. You know, if it's, if it's my. Clothes, if I'm being more, if I'm being more, you know, like into my clothes, into my music, into my art, into my, you know, into my, you know, YouTube channel, um, that has helped me and, um, but, but that all sparked from. a change of view with my stutter. So, you know, like I used to think that, oh my gosh, you know, my stutter is like horrible. It is something that, you know, like I should hide. But I started to, you know, realize that if you start to change your view on your stutter, Your stutter can become a, you know, like a superpower. And so what are, you know, what are, you know, maybe some views that, you know, you changed that, you know, you had to learn to change to be more, more, more, uh, you know, vocal.

Maya:

Yeah. I think what I was kind of wrestling with is I was kind of battling internally, like, okay, I have this stutter, but I'm not going to let it stop me. And so I was accomplishing a lot with also having this mentality that my stutter is bad. And so I was kind of like wrestling with like, okay, I can do all this stuff, but then also like always having this negative view on my stutter. And I didn't realize until after launching the podcast that in order to really reach the goals I wanted to reach. And instead of just like cruising by life, I really had to like step into where I was most uncomfortable. And that was. Like being out about my stutter something that I thought I'd never do something that was so deeply hidden and something that was so Much the core of like pain and all this stuff and so it wasn't until after the podcast I realized in order to Live up to my full potential.

I had to kind of bring my stutter to the surface and Ever since then, good things have been happening. Like I feel like doors have opened up and, and so, you know, now my. One of my missions in life, I feel like there's more that is going to come, but at least right now, like I really want to like have more of these conversations with people who stutter and really try to, um, make people feel more comfortable with their stutter like you, because I think for a lot of us, it's very uncomfortable to talk about stuttering and the more we're more comfortable with that, I think the more we can really. step into our full potential. When we talk about potential, like, does anything come to mind for, for you?

Lorenzo:

I put some of my, you know, self worth in speaking. And since I couldn't speak that well, my self worth was down. So when I started to work on my, you know, root, uh, my root, you know, if it's self worth, if it's self c Confidence in me speaking. I had to, you know, work on that. And I, I, you know, read this quote, um, from, you know, like Alicia Keys. And she said that you get what you, uh, believe, you don't get, you know, what you want, you get what you believe. And so now I'm starting to work on my, you know, my, you know, Okay. Belief, uh, you know, system because, you know, like as a person who stutters, you have so many, you know, negative thoughts that they start to become deep set, you know, beliefs.

And I'm trying to, you know, like to, you know, to, you know, work on those, you know, to work on those, you know, bad beliefs and, you know, and, you know, get them out and then start to put in more positive and constructive, uh, you know, self, uh, um, uh, you know, beliefs about me and my stuttering. And I see, you know, myself, you know, becoming a speech, you know, therapist, a speech, you know, pathologist.

And, you know, I talk to my, my friends, my family, and, you know, I say like, I'm going to be so happy, you know, when I'm old. You know, and you know, like I'm going to, and you know, like I say that, you know, when you're old is when you are the most, you know, happy, but they all, you know, look at me crazy. But me, I have a vision in my head where I am a speech therapist. I am helping others. I am getting, you know, uh, getting, uh, um, uh, I'm, I am getting, uh, you know, uh, you know, fulfilled.

Maya:

That's awesome. And it's, it's like that stuff really works. Like the visioning and like believing, like I totally, it totally works. Um, and it could be. Like, it could be uncomfortable to like, to like, do those exercises and like, because you're like, is this really like, gonna help? But it really does.

Lorenzo:

Yeah, it does. And, you know, I I tried because you know what that the, the, I guess, you know, habit of starting to, you know, visualize stuff, you know, that's, you know, that habit started when I was the most, you know, depressed and I couldn't speak because for me, you know, like I couldn't speak. So that, you know, forced me to become, you know, such a deep, uh, you know, thinker. And I would just have these, you know, visions in my head because, you know, like, I can't speak to him or her. So, you know, like, I was just in my head a lot. And now that I'm, you know, better in terms of speaking my, you know, self confidence and, and, you know, self worth is getting, you know, worked on. I still have that habit of, you know, visualization and it does work it like, like, you know, you know, I, you know, visualize, you know, myself as like a speech therapist. I, you know, visualize, you know, uh, you know, myself as, you know, as a confident speaker. And I just, I don't know, it's, it's worked, it's, it's, it has helped me. And it has put like hope, you know, like in my heart and yeah. So yeah, you know, it works. Yeah.

Maya:

That's great. Yeah. I have this exercise that I do now where whenever I speak on, on stage or to an audience, I visualize myself like doing really well and, you know, saying all the points I want to say, and I don't really even think about my stutter when I. visualize, I kind of just say to myself, it gets, people are going to listen, like, and I kind of just follow my instinct when it comes to like, whether I disclose or not, like, I'm, I'm not always like, okay, I'm going to disclose during this speech. It's always like, if I want to disclose in the moment, I will, and it will be fine.

Lorenzo:

You know, with, you know, public speaking, I feel like for me, When I had to speak up in front of the class, I let, you know, negative people, you know, you know, uh, you know, uh, you know, like affect me. You know, like a lot, you know, um, and I'm still learning how to process that. Um, yeah, you know, and with me, like, you know, I've had a lot of, you know, a lot of, you know, experiences because I'm, I'm, I guess I'm, you know, younger, I'm in college, I'm in high school, you know, whatever. And I've had a lot more people be more, you know, negative about it. And, you know, back then I handled, I handled it. And, you know, not the best way. I, and, you know, because I didn't know how, um, and that sent me into like a deep, you know, depression, I guess. And, but like now I'm just, now I'm, you know, working on it and I'm getting, you know, you know, you know, uh, you know, like a lot better, you know, and, you know, like, I'm not sure if I heard this. Well, somewhere, but it was be a trailblazer in your community. And that has stuck, you know, with me, you know, you know, you know, like, you know, like in my mind, and that, that still, you know, you know, you know, you know, that helps, you know, fuel my drive and my creativity. And so, you know, yeah,

Maya:

and I have a question for you about that, because I feel like the word community is, you know, it's so personal. Um, you know, because, like, I feel like my, not definition, but my community or what I feel like my community has kind of evolved over time. Like when I was younger, my community was like my family and my sister, right? And then when I went to college, it was my friends. And then now it's like the stuttering community. And so I'm wondering like, how has your community evolved over time?

Lorenzo:

Yeah, so. You know, so my community, my first one was, you know, was, you know, like obviously my family, you know, you know, with me being, you know, Mexican, you know, there's a strong sense of, you know, like importance, uh, and, and, and, and, uh, you know, family. And now I'm. I'm starting to become more social. I'm starting to make, you know, more friends, you know, talk to people, um, but, you know, but, you know, like, I feel like I have, you know, uh, you know, like a few different, uh, communities. If it's, you know, the stuttering community, if it's my family, if it's my friends, if it's my, you know, music, if it's school, so.

But I want to be a trailblazer in those, uh, communities, you know, with the stuttering one with my family, with my friends, with, you know, music, um, and then, um, also, you know, like I wanted to ask, you know, you a question to, um, you know, uh, as, you know, as people who stutter, we You know, sometimes you don't want to fit in. We, you know, want to feel, you know, uh, you know, accepted. Um, and, you know, like I have a niece right now and, you know, there's a few times where she came home kind of sad because she felt that she didn't, you know, fit in. And you know, like I kind of had the same feeling, so I wanted to speak to her and I told her that we are all, you know, meant to be different, that, you know, like as a person who stutters, you know, like, I feel like it is a very, it. It is very, you know, like important to be confident in your, in your true authentic self, because, you know, that's where you get, you know, you know, like all your power from is, is, is, is, you know, is, you know, you, you know, being you and, um, and, you know, and still, you know, this is something that, you know, like I'm still learning. Um, you know, there's times where I want to go talk to this person and he or she is cool. But then, you know, there's like another time where he or she might not, you know, want to speak to me and, you know, like I was just, you know, wondering what were your, you know, some of your, you know, some of your, uh, uh, you know, experiences, uh, you know, being more social, being more, yeah, just, you know, wanting to fit in, I guess.

Maya:

As far as fitting in. I really didn't feel like I fit in until college when I really found like my people, um, that I could really trust. I also was bullied a lot. So I feel like I carried that with me a lot. Like I never fully trusted people around me because I was just so afraid that they would end up bullying me. So like, there's just this. PTSD, I was living a lot in school because of I was bullied so much. And so I felt like I always had this wall up with friends. I never really fully trusted my friends when I was growing up until college. And then I really found out what like real friends were. And, um, and I always had imposter syndrome in the workplace.

Like I always felt like. You know, I wasn't good enough and a lot of that stem from my stutter. And now I feel pretty confident in my work. Although like there are some days where I like totally don't like hit, or I don't like hit the mark, I guess. Um, and I get really down on myself, like, Oh my God, like. Am I even like, should I even be at this job? Like, like, this is like, why, like, I'm so bad. I don't know. I just have these like negative thoughts. And so, but I feel like I am slowly getting up to the point in my life where, you know, I have more positive thoughts than negative or no, I, I wouldn't say that I would, I say I have more positive thoughts. Then I did before.

Lorenzo:

Yeah. Uh, um, uh, uh, you know, yeah, you know, same, you know, I, I'm starting to have more, you know, positive thoughts, more, you know, constructive thoughts with stuttering and what has also helped me with that also is with having a role model too, if it's like maybe a parent or maybe, you know, for me, you know, like I play the piano, so. My, you know, role model is, is, you know, like Alicia Keys. Or, you know, something and that kind of, you know, like inspires me to play piano. But then also I have a role model for stuttering. And that's you, that's, that's, that's, you know, many other, you know, YouTubers that have a YouTube channel about stuttering and, you know, like, I think it helps to have, you know, you know, like a role model to, I guess. You know, to, you know, spark up your mind and to start getting a little, you know, motivated to, I guess, you know, work on your stutter, I guess, you know?

Maya:

Yeah. And I think like having a YouTube channel or a podcast, it really is its own form of therapy in a lot of ways. I think like we need more conversations like this, especially like in between like different ages and. Generations. And I think the more, um, because I think people see like the more diverse stories we can share and like. The more people will just see that themselves in the stories, if, if, if you know what I mean, like, I feel like there's, um, like stuttering doesn't discriminate, like we're stuttering shows up in like every single country, every community. Um, and so. I think, you know, the more we can empower others to share their story, the more diversity we'll see.

Lorenzo:

Yeah, right. And, you know, what you said about, you know, like empowerment too, like I think it's, that is like, you know, that is, you know, The, you know, number one, you know, most important thing to do as a stutter is to give, you know, your self power to work on your self, you know, belief to, you know, build up a YouTube channel to, you know, learn an instrument or to, you know, go to the gym or whatever. Like, yeah, it is, you know, very important to get. Your sense of, you know, self worth up because if you're because, you know, like if you feel that you are, you know, that you are, you know, worthy enough and you are confident enough that will have a positive, you know, you know, like effect on your stutter and your stutter and you know, and you know, you will, you know, be able to speak a lot more clearly. And then also you will get to a space where you, you know, want to help people who stutter and you want to. I guess have a conversation, you know, with the person that might not know, you know, what a stutter is. So yeah, you know, so yeah, you know, that's, that's, you know, one of my roots about my channel is that I want to share my, my, you know, stuttering, you know, experience. And I want to talk, you know, with other people who, who, who, uh, who, uh, you know, stutter too. So, yeah. Yeah. And when, while you were speaking, what came to my mind is like, And something I've learned too is, you know, your health does matter. Yeah, like, like you're like, wait, what you said, like going to the gym, like I run and that has just made me feel so much more powerful, you know, just like owning my health owning, you know, like, contributing to my health, like, the same thing goes for like, your voice matters.

Maya:

And, you know, the last thing I'll say, I don't know if this is appropriate or not, but. This is like a huge election year and like, your, your, your vote matters. Like your voice matters. And, you know, who knows, like the sky's the limit, like we could get more programs for people who stuttered depending on who gets elected. So, you know, like the stuttering community is really powerful and. Yes, I think we need to like share our voices more, but I also think we can be powerful when it comes to electing people that will support us as well.

Lorenzo:

Yeah, you know, um, you know, I, I have not yet, you know, voted yet, but, um, you know what, I haven't really, you know, given much thought, wow, about that, but, um, I, I've just been so deep into, you know, working on, you know, my stutter. But yeah, you know, but yeah, you know what you said is great, you know, uh, you know, the stuttering, uh, community is, you know, very powerful and. You know, yeah, you know, we should, you know, like empower ourselves. Yeah.

Maya:

And that's it for this episode of proud stutter. This episode of proud stutter was produced and edited by me, Maya Chupkov. Our music was composed by Augusto Denise and our artwork. by Mara Ezekiel and Noah Chupkov. If you have an idea or want to be part of a future episode, visit us at www. proudstutter.com. And if you like the show, you can leave us a review wherever you are listening to this podcast. Want to leave us a voicemail? Check out our show notes for the number to call in. More importantly, tell your friends to listen too. Until we meet again, thanks for listening. Be proud and be you.