My Stutter: Life of Verbal Turbulence Comic Book Launch - LIVE from Octavia's Bookshelf [Part 1]

Transcript

Katie Hattenbach:

  There are times when, you know, I'm in the drive thru line at McDonald's and all I want is ketchup. But I can't spit it out and the lady's like, Hey, could you say that again? I couldn't quite hear you. And then you just start crying and you drive away and then you have a dry burger. Um, so, you know, you live and you learn. You order, take out. And then you ask for it. Um, you know, you have little, little strategies for that.

Maya Chupkov:

I'm Maya Chupkov and I'm a woman who stutters. Welcome to Proud Stutter, a show about stuttering and embracing verbal diversity in an effort to change how we talk about it. Hello, welcome back to Proud Stutter. I'm your host, Maya Chupkov. You may have heard Proud Stutter did its first live event in Los Angeles last week. We didn't want anyone to miss out, so I turned the audio from the event into a two part episode. You will hear part one today and part two in two weeks. Doing a Proudstutter event was a full circle moment for me because we did it in Pasadena where I received speech therapy.

It was also close to my hometown, Burbank, California. It meant so much to me to bring the Los Angeles stuttering community, family, and friends together. It wasn't just any Proud Stutter event. It was also the official launch of Proud Stutter's comic book, My Stutter, Life of Verbal Turbulence. Quick plug, you can actually get a limited edition copy of Proud Stutter's comic book on the homepage proudstutter.org. Get it while supplies last. All donations attached to the comic book went and will continue to go towards the production of Proud Stutter's documentary on the diverse experience of Californians who stutter. I'm excited to share that we raised over 500 that night towards the documentary.

The event started off with a welcome, followed by guest speakers from the Los Angeles stuttering community. Next was a conversation between myself and co author Julian Benavidez, followed by a Q& A from the audience. Before we get into part one, I am joined here, actually, In the flesh, we have Julian to reflect a little bit about the event. Julian is a board member of Proud Stutter and appeared on Proud Stutter's bonus episode back in November 2023.

Julian, welcome back to the show. Thanks for being here.

Julian Benabides:

Hey, Maya. Thank you. It's great to, it's great to be back here.

Maya:

So Julian, what were your favorite parts about the event?

Julian:

It's, it's kind of funny because when these events happen, I feel like I almost black out like there's, there's, there's so much going on.

Um, and I just wake up and I'm like, wait, what happened? Is it, is it over? Like, what was that? Um, but I think the Q and a was just amazing. You know, um, we got questions that I wasn't really prepared for and it was nice. to have that experience. Uh, we got drinks after the event with some people and I feel like I got to have one of the best, most honest conversations I've ever had about stuttering with these people I'd never met before in a bar.

And it was just wonderful to, to dive deep and have that conversation. So it's, it's really hard to, it's really hard to pick one, one thing, but I really loved, um, the happy hour after the event where I got to sit down with people for a few hours and just really hear their stories and, uh, do a deep dive into, into stuttering.

Maya:

So I definitely also loved the, the happy hour that was afterwards. Um, but during the event, I think my favorite part. Was signing the comic books and just saying that I was just like seeing people get so excited about the comic books and just signing them and just having all three of us there. So it was Julian, me and Indy ho, who illustrated the comic book.

Julian:

It was just so cool to kind of see everyone just have a coffee in their hands with our signatures on it. It was just. Really cool. Yeah. Yeah. To see how excited they were to get it. And I don't know. It's a moment that will stay with me for a really long time. Uh, people wanting my autograph. On the, on the books.

Yeah. This is now the second event that you and I have done together. Uh, the previous one was, uh, the one in December, the big fundraiser, our first annual gala. Um, I want to ask you, how do you think this event was different than the, um, gala in San Francisco?

Maya:

It was different because we had a lot of help planning the event. From both Octavia's Bookshelf and Design Matters, who we partnered with on all the artwork. Um, it was their students that we partnered with and they really helped us secure a space and, and, um, and with that, Julie and I could spend more time on really just trying to be present in the event because during the gala, I felt like. There was so much we had to plan and set up and, you know, everything was plan hour by hour. And so we, we didn't have as much time really speaking with people. Um, and so I think that was the biggest difference. And another, another big difference is the gala was The, the comic book wasn't really a central part of the first event, whereas in this event, it was like the official launch of it.

So I feel like we were really able to like, talk about the comic book for the first time ever. Um, and the fact, and the fact that it was in LA was super special too.

Julian:

Yeah, I think that's a really good point. With the gala, there were so many moving parts and There was food and there was art and there was volunteers and there were speakers and there was a senator and there was just so much going on with the gala that like, I truly feel like I blacked out like I have no recollection of the gala.

Thank God we have the audio and the photos. I've talked with you, I've, I've talked with you, I've, I've talked with you about this moment, um, well, I've talked with you about this moment before, uh, but I will never forget, like, in the midst of the event, where, like, you and I were almost shouting at each other, where I was telling you, like, Maya, you need to sign this comic book.

Like, go. And you were telling me, like, Julian, you have to deal with this person. And we're both, like, yelling at each other. Like, do this. Do this thing. No, you do this thing. No, you do this thing. And I think you were like, We weren't really angry at each other, but we were just like, no, you don't understand.

Like, I had to do this now. We were like at that point of like almost losing it. Oh my God. Yeah. I think you and I both were about to lose it. But then, um, with the events in L. A., it was so much less stress. There were so many fewer moving parts. And, you know, we had so much more help in putting it together.

And what was kind of cool was that it. In a way was not really our event to set up. Like we just, we just showed up, um, and then did a little help like two hours before making it happen. But we didn't have to do the work, finding the venue or getting the photographers or getting food. Like that was all done for us.

So. Yeah, um, that was amazing. So hopefully future events will be just as easy for us, um, and there'll be less shouting and frustration.

Maya:

Yeah. And another thing that I was able to spend time on that I didn't get to around the gala, just cause it was so much work is I was able to do a lot of. Media work, so I was able to send out media pitches and we got a lot of news articles ahead of the event, which I think, or I know was.

The reason why a lot of people attended was 'cause of that news, art, news coverage. So, so yeah, it's, those were, I think, the big differences. Um, but yeah. Now to the, the, the, the question I have before, yeah. I would love to talk through some of the, the, the, the, the, the, the questions. Um, we're not gonna answer them because, we'll, an we answered them already in the. Um, at the events, which you'll hear, but I wanted to talk about just like how we feel about these questions and how meaningful they, they, they, they were to us.

Julian:

Yeah, yeah. Um, I want to, I want to interject for, for 1 second. You can use this in the podcast or not, but do you notice how we're both stuttering so much more today?

Yeah. Like what is going on? Where's like, I usually don't stutter this much when I'm, when I'm talking for a podcast or something like, what's the, I think it's because we're talking about stutter. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And I'm also the tired and I bet you're tired too. Yeah. I'm like tired and flustered from work, but it's just, I don't know.

I think for a podcast about stuttering, we have to comment on how much we're stuttering today. Um, anyway, sorry to interrupt, uh, one question, which, uh, was, was kind of surprising to me because I haven't thought of it was, uh, how do you plan to reach more young people, um, that I. I hadn't thought about that much because most of our work has been with adults.

Maya:

Yeah. I mean, I love that question because the last event we were at in San Jose, a lot of the teenagers that were there or like, you know, on the cusp of being a teenager, they loved the comic books. So I think that was just, you know, a preview of like, if we were able to, you know, expose more young people.

To this comic book, like how much of an impact it would make.

Julian:

Yeah, I think, um, so you're talking about the event in San Jose, uh, that was at that school, um, something I loved about that event, um, was just. The ability to talk with kids about their stutter and sort of just give them space to talk, because I feel like as a person who stutters, you feel like you have to fight for space, like, I gotta say what I want to say fast because people are going to interrupt me so I'm nervous. Uh, but I remember just talking with kids and giving them space to speak and watching them kind of blossom before my eyes and just gain confidence. Yeah. No, I, I, yeah, that was such a good question and I'm, I'm excited we got the opportunity to talk about it.

Maya:

Now that you got a sneak preview of the event, here is part one of our two part episode on Proud Stutter's comic book launch in Pasadena, California.

Alright, hi everyone! Thanks so much for being here. Um, I am like, I'm just trying to like take it all in cause usually I black out at these types of events. But just seeing all of you here, like this is amazing. Um, welcome everyone. Um, my name is Maya Chupkov and I am the founder of Proud Stutter. Um, I was born and raised here in Los Angeles.

This is our first Los Angeles event. And so it means the world that I get to like come back to my hometown and like see everyone that. I love and new faces and people who stutter all in one room. So thank you so much for being here. Um, I am so grateful and thrilled to be partnering with Design Matters at Art Center, um, College of Design and I'm so excited to be, um, we have the amazing support of SAPI, which is the organization that, um, that funded the comic books, the posters, all of these amazing things.

And so I'm so grateful to SAPI and of course Octavia's Bookshelf. Thank you so much for hosting us. How amazing is this space? Like I am obsessed like I'm such a book nerd and to be in like a bookstore doing this is is amazing um so i'm gonna i'm gonna do something a little off the cuff and Ask so this part of the event.

I asked the audience what brought them here and Someone made a joke and said oh you're talking to An audience of a lot of people who stutter i'm like, yeah, of course um, but there was a speech and language pathologist who spoke up and said she lived up the hill and had never been to this bookstore before and she just was excited to check out the event.

Um, and then After that, we had our guest speakers, starting with Pablo Meza.

Pablo Meza, he's born and raised in Southern California. Pablo is a relative newcomer to the stuttering community. He has had a stutter since he was seven years old. Thanks to the podcast, he has learned about cluttering and has identified signs of it.

Of it in his own speech. So everyone, please welcome Pablo

Pablo Meza:

Thank you. Maya. Thank you everybody for coming out tonight. Thank you to Octavius Bookshelf for having us here tonight Um and the team in general for bringing us all together. Um, so uh to prepare for tonight, I went back and listened to the podcast episode that was uh, just recapping the uh gala from december, uh, just Two months ago and I was listening to the podcast from that The Speeches from that episode, trying to get a sense of what I wanted to cover in my own speech, right?

And Julian Benavides covered in his speech a question that caught my attention, which is Why should a stutter be a source of pain and frustration? Why does it need to be a negative thing? And the first thing that I thought in my head was, well, because it's an imperfection. And it was, like, immediate, right?

It was, like, a knee jerk reaction. And I thought, this is involuntary, and maybe Perfectionism and the way that stuttering doesn't quite play nice with perfectionism is a good topic for tonight, for a discussion tonight. So, um, with that said, it's hardly uncommon to think of the word perfectionism, right?

Everyone's dealt with it to some degree in their life. Um, and, uh, Even if that's true, I think people who stutter have a very unique experience with stuttering, with, with, uh, perfectionism that I think is worth exploring a bit more. So, a common tactic with, uh, perfectionism is to say not to compare yourself to other people, right?

That takes a form of, of maybe, you know, uh, don't compare your body with the body of somebody from Hollywood because they look a certain way, right? Or, uh, don't compare your life path with your friend from high school who has a partner, a house, and three kids, if you have none of those things. But if you stutter, there's one more thing to add to this list, which is fluency, right?

Why can't I speak as fluently and as confidently as my co worker in front of all these important people? Why can't I sound as smooth and self assured as Ken did when he was trying to woo Barbie, even if he's doing a pretty bad job in the process? Well, in my perfectionist head, the simple conclusion is that I'm defective.

I am My features are broken, and if I can't do these things right, then I shouldn't do them at all. Is this familiar to anybody? If it does, please raise your hand. Hardly an uncommon, uh, thing to, to think about. Um, so in my case, I find that I clutter more than I stutter. Uh, and if you're not, if you're not familiar, that just means that I talk way too fast.

Um, and throughout school and at a former job, I erased the presentations all the time. Like I'm doing right now. Um, and to slow down, I tried to write down my lines phonetically. Uh, so not like spelling, but, uh, the, the actual vowels and the words, that didn't work. I had a metronome going in my ear at one point.

That didn't work either. Nothing got me to perfection. Um, and time and time again it was me and my clutter and my stutter and we were in a boxing ring. And it was them versus me. I was being tag teamed. Uh, it was a showdown and I either won or lost. And then I found the podcast and I found the term verbal diversity.

And this is not something that my perfectionism liked very much. Um, you know, it was sort of talking to me saying like, That's a weird way of spelling obstacle. Um, and very openly, I still very much see the way that I talk as an obstacle to be overcome. Um, but wouldn't it be nice if there was no boxing ring?

Wouldn't it be nice if I could just talk the way I've been talking since I was seven, and there was no right or wrong way to do it? This is what's possible when we reframe the conversation to move away from the binary of right and wrong. Uh, but if there's one thing that being taught, being part of this community has taught me, It's that my own perfectionism and the way that I view my, my speech patterns is holding me back from being part of this vision.

Um, and if you see yourself in anything that I've said tonight, then I challenge you to put down the boxing gloves and see what, and see what can happen if you just let yourself talk just the way that you do. Thank you.

Maya:

Thank you. That was amazing. And, um, I first met Pablo at the gala we did in San Francisco, and it was the first time he was like in a sea of, of, of people who stuttered. So it's nice to see him here, um, at, in L. A. So our next speaker, I just, so I just met her in, although we've zoomed a lot, but I just met her um, in person, um, and she's born in Sao Paulo, Brazil, raised in Portugal, and currently reciting in Northridge, Los Angeles. Um, Anna started playing basketball at 13 years old and quickly made the Portuguese national team, which paved the way to a scholarship at CSUN. Last year she got accepted into their film program and it's looking to change how the media views stuttering. Her stutter has been an important part of her journey as an athlete, filmmaker, and student.

Everyone give a round of applause for Anna!

Anna De Jesus:

Thank you. Um, yeah, so, uh, I've had the stutter my whole life. Uh, and actually the, the first, uh, time that my stutter was, uh, acknowledged, uh, or addressed by me and my mom, um, was when she took me to the doctor. I can't really remember how old I was, but I want to say, like, around ten years old. She took me to the doctor to ask, like, about my stutter, like, is this something that's gonna pass?

And, um, the doctors say, Yeah, it's like, your brain is just working really fast. Like, you're really, uh, s s s smart. And your brain is just working really fast. And so, um, when you say things, your brain is already, like, Two steps ahead and I mean, I remember just thinking like, wow, like my study is nothing wrong.

It's just like me being like super smart and Which was really great as a kid But it made me attach my my whole self to the stutter And so there was no really a difference like who am I and who is my what is my stutter? and so like as any person who started is like growing up you hear like you've probably gonna like Overcome it like, you know, they say like, oh, it's gonna be fine once you like older people tend to just like not stutter and To me was like growing up and like continue to have a stutter It was kind of like hey, you should have like overcome it by now.

Like what's what's going on? and the representation in the media about stutters just like there's something bad and I remember watching the show, that uhm for some reason we watched it in my house and uhm, it was about a woman that had a stutter and like it was like an aggressive stutter and the whole plot of the show was that she had the stutter and that it meant F f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f of the stutter.

And uhm, for me like, There was no, uh, a a a a a a a a adults with stutter, it was just kids with stutter that would overcome it. And there was people who made fun of stutter, and that was it. And so, it's been, it's been really nice to, uh, find the p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p podcast that I found last year.

Uh, and it, it helped me start a journey of, uh, uh, uh, uh, understanding. Um, that my stutter isn't, like, who I am, it's just part of me, it's something that, uh, I live with, that it's just okay. And also, it has, um, it has helped me, uh, know, like, what do I want to do with film, and how I want to bring characters that stutter to movies, cause I don't think there's something, it's something we don't see, and I think the more people see people with stutter, um, it's like what you said about just being what it is.

Um, and so, I'm really, really thankful to have found that, um, in my journey, um, and to found your podcaster.

Maya:

Wow. Thank you. Um, that was another amazing story. Um, so now we have Alan Mendoza. Um, he's born in Santa Ana, California, and raised in Long Beach. Um, his entire life, Alan has remembered studying for as long as he has been able to speak. Um, he became an active member of the stuttering community three years ago when he made the decision to pursue the career of speech language pathology.

He is currently a student in the speech language pathology master's program at Cal State Long Beach. He is also the founder of a stuttering education and awareness group. Called SPE 8K speak on the campuses of CSU Long Beach and CSU Los Angeles everyone Welcome Alan.

Alan Mendoza:

Good evening, everyone Thank you for having me Maya and thank you to Octavia's bookshelf for hosting this event As Maya brought up. I'm a founder of a student organization at Two campuses at Long Beach and Los Angeles, and that really came from my desire growing up of wanting a, a, a, wanting a community of people who stutter.

Um, growing up I was always the only one, or seemingly the only one, that stuttered in my family, in my classes, with my friends. I was the only one. So it was a lonely upbringing. And I spent so long, like Pablo talked about earlier, striving for perfection, trying to get rid of it, trying to deny that part of myself, and trying to become fluent.

And it wasn't until, um, recently, three years ago, when I decided to, along with other parts of my life, to make changes and accept myself for who I am and work towards bettering myself and bettering the world in a way. Because, um, as I am studying to become a speech language pathologist, and I am aware that sometimes the experiences are not the best.

For people who stutter and for people with other communication issues. Um, so I'm doing my part to try to change that from the inside. Um, by creating these organizations, by coming to these events, by trying to educate as many people as I can on the proper way to, um, Be aware of these issues and be cognizant of how hard it can be for someone to go through these things.

Um, and I think, um, we've been doing a pretty good job with my organization and I met Maya actually because I found her podcast from a recommendation of another friend and we collaborated, we collaborated one time and she was a guest speaker for my club. And I'll ask you to be a guest speaker later on once again.

But um, yeah, I'm very thankful to be here, very thankful to have met so many wonderful people in this community. And, um, I think being able to accept this part of myself and not let it define me like Anna said, to just accept it as part of yourself, you can't change. To be comfortable with it, has given me much more freedom.

To enjoy my life in a way that I previously wanted to deny my whole existence. I want to accept fully who I am and change the world for the better. And events like this go a big way towards doing that. So, thank you everyone.

Maya:

Thank you, Alan. Um, so our last speaker before our author discussion, um, is Katie Hattenbach. Is that right? Oh my, I'm so sorry. Um, I actually just met her, I actually met Katie and Alan for the first time tonight too. So this is just amazing in so many ways. Um, so Katie is a new member to the Stuttering Youth Community and hailing from the land of beer and cheese, Katie developed a stutter at the age of nine.

She has since taken back her voice through humor in her stand up comedy and her podcast called Katie Afraidy. Everyone, welcome Katie!

Katie Hattenbach:

Hi everyone. Wow. I just want to say before I start, I've never been in a room with people whose daughter I think I've only met. Maybe three stutters in my entire life. So this is crazy. This is cool. So hi everyone So I developed a stutter at the age of nine because I had a second and third grade teacher who decided instead of molding the minds of America that she was gonna belittle them, and put them down.

So, developed a stutter because of that, and I've had one ever since. And I've had countless speech therapists, and teachers, and family members tell me that my dreams of being in entertainment, acting, comedy, were a pipe dream. It would never happen. Because you can't, you know, spit words out. And of course, being stubborn.

I was gonna let that stand in the way, you know, I have a dream, I'm gonna go for it. I started doing community theater, started doing speech and debate in high school, going to states several times, winning titles, even getting a scholarship to go compete. Collegiately, you probably didn't know that was even a thing for speech and debate, did you?

It's pretty nerdy. It's great. And then I found comedy. Started going to Second City in Chicago, um, doing improv, stand up, and sketch. But I gravitated towards stand up and sketch because I knew the words that I was going to say I could plan. Which, when you're a stutterer, that's what you do. You want to plan what you're going to say.

You try to avoid, you know, those words that you struggle on. But also, with, through humor, as a lot of us do, we use that to cover up those flaws. You know, those, um, those sad moments in life, you make a joke. And that's the majority of my comedy. I've kind of taken back. You know, those people who would always be making fun of me for my stutter, now I'm making fun of my stutter a little bit, and we're all having a good laugh.

While also educating them on saying, Hey, you know, maybe we don't, don't say that to somebody who's struggling with a speech impediment. Maybe we don't say, Hey. Did you forget your name? Or one of my personal famous favorites, Ruh Ruh Ruh Remix happens so often. But on top of that, I also started a podcast where I talk about horror movies with comedians and I never thought I would do a podcast at all and that's actually where the majority of my fluency has. That's a good word for it. Um, I don't want to say perfected, because that's, it's not, it's not perfected at all.

I would say I'm 80 to 90 percent fluent on a good day. Um, but I still struggle. But you can literally see from my first episode to the most current one, I struggled every second of that first episode. And my current ones, maybe stutter once or twice an episode. Which, I mean, that's done more than any speech therapist has ever done.

Um, no offense. You're great. You're great. You're great. You're great. Um, but something that someone always, always would say to me is that, Oh, your stutter's a part of you, this is a part of you. And I gotta say, even to this day, I still struggle, you know, to say, you know, This is a part of me, that this is me.

Um, it is in a way, you know, I love my stutter in ways that, uh, makes me unique. Uh, makes me stand out. But at the same time, it's You know, there are times when, you know, I'm in the drive thru line at McDonald's and all I want is ketchup. But I can't spit it out and the lady's like, Hey, could you say that again?

I couldn't quite hear you. And then you just start crying and you drive away and then you have a dry burger. Um, so, you know, you live and you learn. You order takeout online and then you ask for it. Um, you know, you have little, little strategies for that. Um, but, you know, your stutter's a part of you. But it's not all of you, you know, so I have a stutter, but I'm also a comedian.

I am also a Rabbit owner. I'm also a cheese head go pack. Oh, um It's a part of me, but it doesn't define me and it should never you know, stand in the way Of you, you know, pursuing whatever you wanna do in life. Certainly not getting in the way for me, 'cause I'm just getting started. But guys, thank you so much and this have been great.

Maya:

And that's it for this episode of Proud Stutter. This episode of Proud Stutter was produced and edited by me, Maya Chuka. Our music was composed by Augusto Diniz and our artwork by Mara Ezekiel and Noah Chupkov. If you have an idea or want to be part of a future episode, visit us at www. proudstutter. com. And if you like the show, you can leave us a review wherever you are listening to this podcast. Want to leave us a voicemail? Check out our show notes for the number to call in. More importantly, tell your friends to listen too. Until we meet again, thanks for listening. Be proud and be you.