Dating With A Stutter

Transcript

Maya :

I'm Maya and I'm a woman who stutters.

Cynthia :              

And I'm Cynthia and I know nothing about stuttering.

Maya :          

And this is Proud Stutter, a podcast about changing the conversation about stuttering and embracing verbal diversity, in an effort to change how we talk about it, one conversation at a time. Let's get into this episode, which is...drum roll...dating with a stutter.

Cynthia :             

Woooo!

Maya :

Cynthia, this is your fav-v-vorite topic.

Cynthia :

I don't know if it's my favorite necessarily, but it's, it's the one that I talk about most, um, dating generally, but dating with a stutter, that's a whole new thing.

Maya:

Yeah. So, dating with a stutter, let's see, where do I start, I probably started thinking about dating when I was f-five years old.

Cynthia:

You started thinking about dating when you were five? 

Maya:

Well, maybe not dating but I started thinking about boys in like a very serious way when I was five.

Cynthia:

Oh, dang you mature too early.

Maya:

Yeah, I, it was really embarrassing. I used to chase boys around the playground and make them hang out with me. There's this one boy that I would just chase around, and everyone will make fun of me, so always chase him around the playground, and my mom made, well not made, but my mom set up like a play date with th-the two of us at our house. And I remember it being like the most awkward thing ever, like he would just like he wouldn't even t-talk to me, so that was kind of, I wouldn't say that's what I was thinking about dating but I just remember being so boy crazy from a very young age.

Cynthia:

Okay, to be fair, maybe not as young as five but I remember in elementary school doing pretty much the same thing like chasing boys, and them not getting it, you know like I thought it was abundantly clear that I had a crush on them.

Maya:

Yeah, I think middle school was really the time when I first started seeing, you know, my friends start dating. And what I mean by dating in middle schools is just holding hands around the yard and having everyone spying on you, um, but I didn't really ever date anyone until college, and I don't think it was because I had a stutter. Dating always seemed unfathomable t-to me, like I always thought, how could I establish a relationship if I spent every moment afraid to speak, afraid to stutter, it was just, it didn't really go well together.

Cynthia:

Right. And that's on top of the pressure of actually dating anyway and trying not to say something stupid. 

Maya:

Yeah, it was a struggle and I'd always see my friends talking to their boyf-friends and I'd always, you know, just imagine talking to a boy, too, and not stuttering and just having like this perfect speech where he feels like, wow you're so eloquent, just being m-mesmerized by my speech I just remember always fantasizing about that. And I had a very outgoing p-personality. W-when I was younger and still to this day. But I think when it came to dating stuttering did hold me back because I would always want to impress boys, and I always want to pass as fluent, when it came came to stuttering I didn't want a boy to find out that I had a stutter because then he wouldn't like me anymore.

Cynthia:

I want to go back to something that you said earlier about eloquence because I think that's really interesting. I know you know this person I'm about to talk about, but my first college boyfriend, I remember, I would talk to people about him before we started dating, and everyone would always say, oh my god he speaks so eloquently, and that was something that people were trying to use, that was a piece of evidence, people were trying to use to convince me that I should date him because he spoke so eloquently, and it's just so interesting to hear about your struggles when I know from my own experience that that is something that is very attractive to people.

Maya:

Yes, exactly. And when I was a teenager and I'm sure all the teenagers out there can relate, I was so obsessed with coming off a certain way around boys right we all want to like be our best self in front of a boy we like right, whether that's having the right clothes and the right makeup and speaking is a big part of dating. Um, it's a big part of making a good first impression when you first meet a boy. That was definitely something that held me back, and it made me just stick with my guy friends like I never had to worry that my guy friends would judge me because they already knew I had a stutter and they didn't care about it.

Cynthia:

So does that mean that you ended up dating a lot of your guy friends who already knew you and you didn't have to impress first.

Maya:

No, I never had any romantic relationship with a guy friend. Actually, yeah, when people say that oh like we used to be friends and now we're to d-dating, I just, I'd never experienced anything like that. No one really pursued me in middle school or in high school, so I don't know why that's the case, maybe I was blind to it, I-I don't know but I, my experience in middle school and high school, boys were just not interested in me.

Cynthia:

We were definitely too cool for sure.

Maya:

To get into more of my journey with stuttering and dating, it started with really beginning to understand that my speech impediment, which had tortured me since childhood was actually a useful tool in deciphering the quality of a person. I think that ho-honestly is one of the reasons why I never really dated a douchebag. Which

Cynthia:

you can't say douchebag.

Maya:

Well I never dated a really mean, or, you know like a shady person that treated me poorly, like seriously, like all the serious boyfriends I've had have been very positive and and now that I'm thinking about it, most of the guys that I've dated seriously, are very patient and chill do. And I think I could usually tell right away whether a guy was in for me. And, you know some of the examples are, you know, did they try to complete my sentences when it took me a while to get a word out? Did they give a panicked look of discomfort after I openly stuttered?

Cynthia:

Really?

Maya:

Oh yeah, like, because I would go to parties in high school, and we'd always go to parties that were in that we're like, outside of our high schools we can meet new people, and almost every time I introduced myself, there was like some jerk that was like, w-what do you, did you forget your name or something like that was so common.

Cynthia:

That is so mean, like, God, okay if anyone is listening, if you are listening and you are a teenager or you know someone is young 20s Please don't do this, it's so mean.

Maya:

Yeah, and usually it's like a gut reaction for someone to like playfully, you know, make fun of a stutter because maybe they don't, maybe that they think it's like a one-time occurrence and they just think you're nervous or something, you know.

Cynthia:

You think they did that as sort of a form of banter? Oh my god that is so sad.

Maya:

I know and I've had friends like I have kept friends that would constantly make fun of my stuttering

Cynthia:

Really?

Maya:

Yeah, and I think you know the one person. I'm not going to say their name or and I'm not going to go much f-further than that because I don't...

Cynthia:

I want to know who it is.

Maya:

No because they might be listening, or they might, it's someone you know, it's someone I know and I really enjoyed hanging out with this person, but almost every time we hung out there would always be some like mention of my stutter like pretending to stutter themself and looking at me weird like get it out, get your words out, or something like that.

Cynthia:

Yeah, like I, I never noticed your stutter until you pointed it out or told me that you had one. I mean, I assume it's because you felt comfortable around me. So how is dating when you're already nervous right I mean I get nervous on dates, even when I don't care about the other person. It's just kind of like the fact that it's a date and that even if there's like a 2% chance that it goes anywhere, it's still a date and that makes me nervous. So how do you deal with that when you're going into a date and you know that it's going to come up?

Maya:

So usually I just talk like normal like I don't try to hide my stutter. Um, and I kind of just be as true to myself as possible because when I first started dating and I really tried to hide my stutter, it just, the date would never go well because it was really obvious I wasn't being authentic and I was, I was just not, it was just very obvious I wasn't being myself. And so, as I started dating and getting older, I really just was like, okay, if I'm going to be dating someone, they're going to have to deal with my stuttering, so I might as well just get it out of the way. Even though I would leave a lot of these more negative interactions feeling like really, really f-flustered. It really gave me a sense of clarity, like I knew the kind of man I wanted to pursue. Um, and really the judgmental, impatient types just wouldn't ever make the cut. Um, so, yeah, that's kind of how it worked.

Cynthia:

I need a filtering system like that.

Maya:

Yeah, it's, it's a pretty good one. And, you know, my fiancee. I never get tired of saying that, um, he did not bat an eyelash when we first met, you know, I, and I stuttered in front of him f-for the first time, and he kept eye contact with me even when I was taking time to get my words out. He never interrupted me. He never tried to guess what I was trying to say, or complete my sentences. Um, and and I-I just remember very clearly when we first met he engaged in the conversation as if there was nothing unique about my stutter as if you know stuttering isn't a problem to be fixed but simply just another way of speaking and later on in our relationship I found out that he had a stutter when he was a child. He outgrew the stutter like most kids do, but we were, he was really able to see past my stuttering.

Cynthia:

That is the cutest story. I love your fiancee, who I know, um, he's not just someone that I've never met. Yeah, that's really interesting to think about because when I'm on dates. I don't have a stutter, I think, I don't know if I've ever been on a date with someone who does stutter. But I think generally, I feel immense pressure to fill in silences. It's almost to the detriment of, you know, me being able to express myself because the moment I sense that there might be a moment of silence coming up, I'll fill in that silence with a question like so you know how's your weekend or so that's an interesting piece of jewelry you're wearing, tell me more about that. So it's just interesting to think about the opposite side where you know you need a lot of patience, which I don't have. But, um, when you're dating someone with a stutter, you need to have that patience and not feel like you need to fill in the silence or as you said earlier, to finish your sentence.

Maya:

Exactly and having someone that is patient was always something I knew I needed in a partner, because, not only because of my stutter, but also because I can be Type A sometimes. I like to think of myself as Type B, but if I'm, if I'm going to be real, I do have some Type A tendencies and my fiance, he definitely chills me out, so it's, that's ideal. And not everyone, you know, wants, like wants to deal with a person that stutters and honestly like when I was younger I was like who would ever want to date me like who would ever want to listen to my stutter, all day long. That doesn't sound fun at all.

Cynthia:

Oh, baby Maya. No

Maya:

I know.

Cynthia:

Don’t think that way.

Maya:

I know but thankfully I don't think that way anymore because dating was really rough when I was in middle school and high school and the only data ever went on, it was like a walk around, walk around the the schoolyard or whatever. And then he broke up with me on April Fool's Day.

Cynthia:

What?

Maya:

That was my first, I guess, dating experience and it scared me and there was like a group around and I kept saying to him, Oh April Fool's, and then everyone was like, He's serious Maya, and I was like, mortified.

Cynthia:

Oh, do you know if it has anything to do with your stutter or was it just kind of not the right?

Maya:

No, it's because I was, I wouldn't kiss him.

Cynthia:

Oh.

Maya:

you know, typical dating stuff,

Cynthia:

That's arguably worse.

Maya:

I was a proude when I was in middle school.

Cynthia:

Oh well you were in middle school! Holy Cow!

Maya:

I don't know maybe my middle school is weird but I was definitely like people were making out having sex, all that stuff during middle school.

Cynthia:

Man, I hope, I hope these guys, I hope these boys are better men now.

Maya:

I doubt it. I mean, maybe the ones I dated later, are, they're probably fine but yeah there's, I think the one that jumped me on April F-Fool's Day, I, I don't have high hopes for that one.

Cynthia:

Well, I have a question for you.

Maya:

Okay,

Cynthia:

When you're on a date and you're chatting, are there particular topics that cause you to-to, you know, pause more or to stutter more?

Maya:

Not any I can think of. I think when there is an awkward silence, I-I kind of take the same approach you do and I try to fill in silence, like that's my go-to. Dating with a stutter like I always kind of approach it like I would even if I didn't have a stutter I just kind of, you know, um, didn't really mind my stutter because it was really apparent by the end of the day whether or not it would work or not and whether or not he was giving me weird looks for stuttering. I can go a few days without stuttering and then all of a sudden it's like as clear as day that I stutter and then you know that can alter the relationship so it's not always that first date where it's immediately clear. There are times when I pass as fluent.

Cynthia:

That's interesting because I would have assumed that, you know, if you met someone and you clicked with them right away, for example, that would make you or that would help you to stutter less versus if you met someone that you didn't quite click with and, and then maybe you would have to pause a little bit more but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Maya:

Yeah, it, honestly stuttering has nothing to do with nerves, and when I tell my fiancee that, he always looks at me like, Wait, are you sure, because it just seems so logical and intuitive that yeah, of course, you probably stutter more when you're nervous or anxious, and definitely stuttering has contributed to my anxiety but I don't think there's like a physiological connection.

Cynthia:

So it's kind of like, on any given date that you go on, it's kind of fair game. If you stutter or not.

Maya:

Exactly.

Cynthia:

Wow. 

Maya:

Yep, sure makes life interesting huh?

Cynthia:

Have you ever been on a date where someone judged you for it right away and just completely rubbed you wrong as soon as you started stuttering?

Maya:

I can't really point a finger to an experience like that but there actually was an experience where I was taking a road trip with a guy I really liked. I had the hugest crush on him, and the whole way there, we were vibing, and I wasn't stuttering. It was great, like he had no idea I had a stutter. Things were going so well. And then we get to the cabin where we're all staying and it's like such a great few days and then on the drive back, my stuttering kicks in and I could tell right away, he was just like wait what like, what's going on. He didn't say anything verbally but I could just tell he was just looking at looking at me differently, and things were never the same after that. Who knows, I don't know, I can't say that it was really because only because of my stuttering. Maybe we just grew apart or maybe, you know, something else happened that I couldn't think of but I always relate that experience to, oh he m-must have discovered that his stutter and therefore, he wasn't attracted to me anymore.

Cynthia:

Right. And it's possible but even he doesn't know if that's the reason, right?

Maya:

Exactly, sometimes you know you just go your separate ways and it's just a natural separation and, you know so fun weekend t-together but I just wanted to end on a more positive note. So, my fiance Kyle, he was actually the person to recommend I do a podcast project on stuttering and using the podcast for my Center for Story-base Strategy of fellowship on stuttering so he planted this idea in my head and now it's grown into me doing this podcast and sharing my stutter to people outside of my comfortable circle of friends and even through this sharing, it's really helped spread awareness about stuttering because um, I think stuttering is probably one of the most misunderstood d-disabilities because it is, it's not the most intuitive disability, and I think the reason why that is is because a lot of it is internal, and just because someone might sound fluent, like you have no idea what's going on in their head, right, like there's s-some days where I am so fluent and I am like yeah like I got this but like in, but what you can’t see, is just the struggle of like keeping up that appearance and um and you know, trying really hard not to stutter. So yeah, that's why that's why we're here, and I think dating is a great, a great thing to talk about because it can actually end up helping people who date. And people who don't stutter, like my good friend, Cynthia, could learn a thing or two.

Cynthia:

Yeah I was gonna say, give me a stutter. Maybe I'll find someone patient enough to handle me.

Maya:

And that's it for this episode. I'm Maya

Cynthia:

And I'm Cynthia.

Maya:

And you've been listening to Proud Stutter. This episode of Proud Stutter was produced by me, Maya Chupkov.

Cynthia:

And edited by me, Cynthia Chin. Our music was composed by Augusto Denise, and our artwork by Mara Ezekiel and Noa Chupkov.

Maya:

If you have an idea or want to be part of future episodes, find us on Twitter @proudstutter. You can also find us at www.proudstutter.com.

Cynthia:

Drop us a note or share a voice memo, what's your stuttering story, what topics would you like us to cover, and what are you curious about?

Maya:

And if you liked the show, you can leave us a review, wherever you are listening to this podcast.

Cynthia:

More importantly, tell your friends to listen, too.

Maya:

Until we meet again, thanks for listening. Be proud and be you.